The Job Hunt
by Grant Stockwell
Summary: In these tough economic times, it can be hard to find good employment.
1. The ACME Interview

John Smith tried to keep his nerve steady as he sat in front of a large desk in a dark, smoky office. He wasn't quite sure how the office had become so smoky, since he'd clearly seen the "No Smoking" sign on his way into the building. Maybe it was just the tension getting to him? After all this was the first job he'd applied to that had given him a follow-up interview. It seemed like his interviewer, however, was reluctant to start the proceedings. John gathered up all of his inner courage and decided to break the ice himself.

"So, Mr. Devineaux, I'm very enthusiastic about the having the chance to work here at ACME."

Chase Devineaux remained silent for a few seconds, as if thinking of an appropriate response to that bit of small talk. Finally, he began to address the issue.

"Well Mr..."Chase glanced down at the resume that lay on his desk, "Smith. I'm just going to come right out and be honest with you. I brought your resume to the Chief after our last interview. We were both impressed by your credentials and experience."

"Thank you sir," John said, smiling.

"There's just one issue we've noticed. I called you back for this second interview to see if we can find a solution."

John's smile faded. "An issue, sir? Well of course I'll be open to solving any...um...issues..."

"Good man," said Chase, "I'll just get right to it then. The problem is with your name."

"My...name?"

"Exactly." Chase continued. "Your name is just so boring. So plain. So common." Chase shuddered.

For a moment John was speechless. He was becoming uncomfortable with where this interview was going. "I don't really see the issue there, sir."

Chase sighed. "Look kid, if you want to work for ACME, you're going to have to be cooler than 'John Smith'. You have to be a 'Shadow Hawkins' or a 'Chase Devineuax.' You simply must have a cool name if you want to chase the world's greatest criminals around the globe."

John could almost feel himself going pale. Was he really about to lose this job over something as trivial as having a common name?

"Well, I'm afraid there's not much I can do about that, short of legally changing my name."

"Oh no!" Chase laughed. "That would not be necessary. Cool nicknames are also perfectly acceptable. That's why we called you back for this second interview. We just need to know if you have a cool nickname."

This was it. John had to think fast. Of course he had never been given a cool nickname. But could he make one up right now, on the spot?

"Well, my friends in high school used to call me...um...Blackjack. Yep, good 'ol Blackjack's comin' to party with us, is what they'd say. Heh. Heh."

"Blackjack, eh? Hmm." Chase began to stroke his chin, then looked back up at John. "Why did they call you that? Do you have a gambling problem or something?"

John waved his hands in front of him in a defensive manner. "No no! Nothing like that! You see, Jack is short for John, right? And, um, I always wear all black. All the time!"

Chase's eyelids lowered and he leaned back in his chair. "Is that so? Because the suit you're wearing right now is gray. Or maybe a kind of beige. It's hard to tell with the way I like to keep the lights in my office so dim."

John was now in full-on panic mode. "Oh, uh, yeah, you see, umm.."

"I think I've learned everything I need to know about _you _Mr. Smith." Chase spat his name out like it was poison. "We'll call you if you get the position, and keep your resume on file. Security will see you out."


	2. The VILE Interview

Resentment had built up in John Smith's very heart and soul. He couldn't hold back a self-satisfied grin as he thought about how much he had changed over the past few weeks. The old John Smith would have been sweating like a pig in a job interview with someone as beautiful and intimidating as Carmen Sandiego. But this was a new John Smith. A new, confident, and above all determined John Smith.

"Well," said Carmen, her eyes obscured by her large red hat, "I see that under the 'Objectives and Goals' portion of the application, you wrote 'Crush those losers at ACME like squirming insects.' Would you care to elaborate on that?"

"I've had an issue with them," John answered. "I felt that I wasn't treated fairly by a number of their representatives. The best way I can think of to show them how wrong they are is to join VILE. I feel that my skills can be put to good use for you and your organization."

"I appreciate your motivation, and you have a lot of decent experience. However, I can't help but think that you may be overreaching a bit in applying for this position."

John's right eye began to twitch. His voice was calm but slightly strained when he spoke.

"I believe I meet all the requirements for this position."

Carmen nodded slowly. "All but one, I'm afraid. Tell me John, do you have an alias? Any pseudonyms?"

John suddenly felt very hot. "No, I'm afraid I don't."

Carmen sighed. "Now that's a problem. John Smith just isn't a name that works for VILE. It doesn't describe you or your personality at all."

"Is that so," said John, his teeth clenched tightly together.

"It's a perfectly acceptable name for a henchman position. Common and easily forgettable. But this is a job for a competent thief, someone I know I can rely on. Now you look at the names of some of my current employees, like Patty Larceny or my legal team of Lee Galeese and Justin Case. I know exactly who they are and what they can do for me."

"So you only hire people with stupid pun names? What about you yourself? Carmen Sandiego isn't a pun!"

"Well there are a few exceptions of course. My cool name was perfect to get me into ACME. I proved myself there before I got bored and left to start VILE. Still, those exceptions are few and far between, and I'm sorry to say that you are _not _one of those exceptions. I know I can trust myself. I know how I think. I know how someone named Buggs Zapper will think. Someone named John Smith however, well, he could be anybody."

John's mind finally snapped. "What is it with all of you people and your stupid names!" he screamed. "ACME says I'm not cool enough! You say that not having a bad pun for a name means you can't trust me! Are you all insane?"

"Well, I spend millions of dollars to fly around the world stealing priceless artifacts and landmarks that are impossible to fence and hiding them on other continents. And ACME is full of a bunch of unlicensed detectives and teenagers with nothing better to do then chase me across the globe."

John and Carmen stared at each other silently for a moment.

"So...yes. Completely." She finished.

John screeched in frustration and madness. "That's IT! I'm going to destroy all of you! You mark my words Carmen Sandiego, when I'm finished, VILE and ACME will be nothing more than vague memories. Footnotes in my path of destruction and reign of terror! AAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

John Smith left the office, the echoes of his evil laughter being carried down the hallway.

Carmen stared at the door before slowly shaking her head. "You never can tell about people with names like that," she muttered.


	3. Self Employment

Carmen cursed under her breath. For once, she hadn't expected ACME to figure out her plan so fast. Stealing the CN Tower was going to be a lot tougher now that a full military cordon had the building guarded and under a full lockdown. She knew it must have been the work of ACME's newest golden boy detective, Slade Breaker. Slade had been giving her some of the biggest challenges of her career lately. It seemed like this showdown in Toronto was set to be the climax. This was going to take some improvising to pull off.

A voice from behind her made her jump. "Well well Carmen, nice of you to show up here. Just taking in the sights of the city?"

Carmen turned to see Chase Devineaux, standing with his arms crossed and a knowing smirk on his face.

"Now," he said, "why don't you call in your operative and we can all head to the nearest police station for a nice long chat."

"I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about Chase. Except for a few henchmen for grunt work, I'm doing this heist solo."

Chase chuckled. "Oh please Carmen. We've been chasing Watson Aname for weeks now. Finding you here already is a happy bonus for us."

Carmen frowned. Something about this whole thing didn't seem right. "I hate to burst your bubble Chase, but there's no one named Watson working for me. Maybe your boy Slade Breaker was misinformed for once."

"Slade Breaker? Cool name, but I've never heard of him."

Suddenly, they heard screaming. People on the street were craning their necks and pointing upwards.

"Oh my goodness!" a woman cried, "that man is going to jump!"

Carmen and Chase looked up. A body was falling from the top of the tower. As the citizens of Toronto, Ontario, Canada looked on in amazement, a large parachute opened up from the man's back. He seemed to glide effortlessly through the air, heading straight towards Carmen and Chase.

A few moments later, the man touched down directly in front of them. He wore a ski mask and a gray (or maybe beige?) suit. In each of his hands was a high caliber pistol, one pointed at Carmen and one pointed at Chase.

"HA HA HA!" the man laughed, "It looks like my plan has finally come to fruition!"

"And you are...?"Carmen asked.

"I have quite a few names now. Maybe you've heard of Slade Breaker or Watson Aname."

"That was you? Then that means that you lured us both here to this same spot!" Chase exclaimed.

The masked man chuckled. "A correct deduction, detective. I payed off one of Carmen's underappreciated henchmen to feed me information on her plans. I passed that information on to you, while making it look like Carmen was pulling off these crimes with the help of a new assistant, Watson Aname! Every time Carmen had a close call with ACME, I had that henchman spread a rumour within the ranks of VILE that it was all thanks to a hotshot young ACME detective, Slade Breaker!"

"Did you have a reason for doing all of this?" Carmen asked, "Or are you just trying to be annoying?"

The masked man chuckled. "Why of course I have a reason my dear Carmen. You see, you know me as Slade Breaker. Detective Devineaux here knows me as Watson Aname." The masked man kept one of his guns moving back and forth between Chase and Carmen. With his other hand he reached up and gripped his mask.

"But you will BOTH know me as..."he whipped off the mask with a flourish, "John Smith! HA HA HA!"

Carmen and Chase glanced at each other.

"Do you know any John Smith's?" Chase asked.

"Quite a few, actually," she replied, "it _is _a very common name after all. But I don't recognize this one. You?"

"Nope," said Chase, "me neither."

John Smith exploded with rage.

"What!" he cried. "Come on, I only just interviewed for jobs with you guys a couple months ago!"

Carmen and Chase glanced at each other again. Carmen simply shrugged her shoulders.

"Sorry," said Chase, "doesn't ring any bells."

"Argh! You fools! Do you have any idea how hard it was to pull this plan off in such a short amount of time? I had to find a mole in VILE, create two different aliases, and plan a jump from the top of the CN Tower! It was the perfect plan and you two don't even recognize me!"

"Actually, it may not have been the perfect plan." Chase said, pointing over John's shoulder.

John turned to see that his death-defying BASE jump and subsequent outbursts of rage seemed to have attracted the attention of several heavily armed members of the Toronto Police Service and Canadian Forces.

"Oh right," he said, "I kinda forgot about them."

Later, Chase was smiling as he watched John Smith being loaded into an armoured police transport van. Suddenly, he remembered that John Smith had not been his original reason for coming to Canada. He moved his head about like it was on a swivel, searching for any sign of a woman in red. Once again, it appeared as though Carmen Sandiego had disappeared into the night. Chase sighed.

"Oh well. At least I've got one perp to get credit for," he said to himself, not even realizing that a certain part of the Toronto skyline was missing.

THE END


End file.
